Jokes

[ladyunicornejg]

Just a random joke thread...

Bar Cop
There was this policeman who liked to stake out bars for an easy job by watching the drunks and then arresting them. After a while, a man came out and starting walking to his car. The man could not keep his balance and fell down several times. He finally found his car after wandering the carpark for a few minutes. The man tried to open his door but couldn't insert the key properly. The policeman was thinking to himself that this dude was clearly drunk. The man put the key in the ignition and sat there in his car. He blinked a few times and then did nothing. The policeman goes up to him and pulls him out of his car. The policeman orders the man to breathe into the breathalyser. It reads 0.0. The cop is puzzled and says:"I'm sorry, but I think that this piece of shit is broken." The man replies:"I doubt it, I'm the designated decoy."

[Uzumaki42]

Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[nekocat15]

Um..... I don't get them

[Uzumaki42]

lol good XD

[D34d-Ch1n4-D0ll5]

XD I've heard that one before, Uzumaki42. hehe. Never gets old. XD Poor dude but HA!

[aquario007]

Ok, i got one.

There's this old lady, doing about 90 in a 35. The cop sees her, and pulls her over. The cop comes up to the window, and asks for her drivers license and registration. She calmly replies "I don't have it." The cop says, "is this your vehicle?" to which She replies, "I stole it." Getting irate, he asks her where is the owner of the vehicle. She says " In a body bag in the trunk, I killed him." the cop, fearing for his safety, calls for backup. Almost immediately, about 12 squad cars swarm the car. An older officer comes up, asks to see inside the trunk. she opens the trunk, and no body bag. The officer then asks her if she owned the vehicle, to which she pulled out her Registration and title for the car. "You are not gonna believe this, but that officer said you had a body bag in the trunk, that you murdered the person who owns this car, and that you didn't have a license." she replied, "I bet you the daffy S.O.B. also said i was speeding, didn't he?"

[Cecilia Rose Demonic Princess]

LOL i like all of them.

[kenshinhimura]

(06-14-2010 05:53 PM)Uzumaki42 Wrote:  Poor guy
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Ive read that joke many times already. It was really funny.

[Uzumaki42]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

[suki888]

How about this lovely funny pic.